I feel this is important to share with y'all. Just because they're so accurate it hurts.

So there are these amusing websites that have been going round on Tumblr. You type in your blog's name and it churns out something on the other side. My Tumblr blog name is schadenfreudig. The stuff they come up with...

What does your name mean?
36,750 people were diagnosed. 9,409 results. The result changes every day.
Hot! by @resoni
schadenfreudig's name means: 1) Has no friends. 2) A failure of a human.

You've been suddenly sucked into an RPG. What are your stats?
28,463 people were diagnosed. 330,600 results. )
Hot! RPG  by @stephieku
schadenfreudig: Lv.42 Nerd. Special trait: forever alone.


In which I make my relationship with the Internet into an allegory about an unfaithful, middle-aged, married man.


I'm back and better than ever lazier than ever.

Just when you thought, "Psht, Ali's gone. She's never coming back." I come back.
This is my procrastination place - nay, my Procrastination Palace. Yes. That sounds suitably grand.
Basically, you know when work isn't going well when you see me post crap here.

Tumblr's just too amazing. Sleek, less demanding, a lot cooler.
Basically, I'm a married man. I'd been married to Blogger since 2010, and then in less than a year, I had an affair with this hot new thang, Tumblr. Tumblr had been around. Always there. Always inviting. I always double-taked when I saw something from Tumblr. Eventually I yielded.
Blogger knows about it. You guys know about it. Nothing to be ashamed of. It's an open relationship.

When I'm really bored, I like to spice things up a bit and inevitably, Tumblr and I create new blogs. I've created two new blogs on Tumblr, besides my personal one. The two new ones (well, OK, the Russian one is going to be a year old in June; the creative writing one (haha, I know) was born only a couple of days ago) are young and I feel I must nurture them tenderly, and cradle them in my arms.

However, when Tumblr won't do it for me, I do go back to Blogger, although Blogger doesn't... function... like Tumblr. We can't have new blogs with Blogger. It just isn't that easy. Or maybe it is. The point is, is that if I were to make a new blog with Blogger, no one would give a damn. It would be an ugly-ass blog that no one would follow. I mean, you know, if you guys with your blogs represented family, you'd kind of be obliged to see my new blogs with Blogger, and you'd politely say nice things about it. With Tumblr, on the other hand, we would make beautiful baby tumblogs and complete strangers would coo over our newborns. My Russian blog has close to 640 followers now, just to demonstrate. I've been turning a few strangers' heads with our newborn as well.

Anyway, this allegory is getting a bit weird. I'm not a middle-aged man who has babies with the internet. Or am I.

Now I'll give Blogger a peck on the cheek, tell her I'm off on a business trip (when we both know that actually I'm going back to Tumblr) and I'll be back when Tumblr is on her period.


The AgeAnalyzer thinks http://www.thisblogbelongstoali.blogspot.co.uk is written by someone 36-50 years old.

Aww yiss, peeps be thinkin' I'm mature an' dat!!!1!1!!    <3     =)     lol


Woo, cheesy/corny post of the day.

WARNING: This post may contain traces of cheese or corn. If you have cheese- or corn-related allergies, it is advisable to stop reading now.

Oh, how I laugh at my younger self. Young Ali was a fool - so irritating and fatuous a fool that Present Ali would have repeatedly punched Past Ali in the face until there was nothing left but a bloody pulp. Romance is disgusting, but here we go:

Looking outside the window, the anonymous footprints in the snow remind me of a time when I was infatuated with this young man, a stranger whom I would never have the chance to actually meet. (Ew, I actually just typed that soppy sentence. Argh, must carry on.)

I was always the first person of the day to walk through this idyllic, pseudo-rural avenue, with elegant trees on either pavement, on the way to school every morning. There was a small farm on the right, and if you ignored the busy road behind, you could well imagine that you were ambling along a country path. Sometimes there would be horses and bulls grazing on the grass, lifting their lazy heads as I walked past. And every morning, I would chance upon a beautiful, tall, slim, young man, with a pleasant demeanour and a strolling gait, going the opposite way to me. He was of Oriental origin, but I couldn't tell exactly what his origins were. And every morning, he would walk past me and I would keep my eyes fixed on the ground, my cheeks flushing.

Occasionally, however, if one of us were late, we would miss each other, and that would affect my mood for the rest of the morning.

On one such occasion, it had snowed over night. The Young Man had evidently left his house earlier than usual, and so I missed him, but lo and behold, his footsteps were still fresh in the snow! His were the only ones along the avenue, and so I amused myself by walking alongside them and lengthening my gait to match his. His strides were a lot longer than mine, and every now and again I would walk on his footsteps, occupying the very space he had been only moments before.

The last time I saw him was last year, (but by then I'd stopped drowning in this infatuation that was fuelled by adolescent hormones, of course) and now I can look upon this and shake my head at such utter nonsense.


"W-what year is it?" murmured my blog as I resurrected it.

Hello faithful ones, I'm pleasantly surprised and grateful you haven't abandoned me all together, and it seems I have recently acquired a new, mysterious follower despite my absence. (Who are you?)

It's been about half a year since I wrote anything at all here and it's because... well... I've been having... an... affair with another popular blogging site.

"What! How could you?..." My blog looks at me with tearful eyes.

"I'm sorry!" I cry. "It's just that... Tumblr is so fascinating and charismatic... I couldn't help but be drawn to its charm! But I've returned, it's all fine!"

"You... you're just going to break my heart again. This - THIS - right here, this is just going to raise my hopes. All you're going to do is write this one post and then leave me for another six months!"

"No, no that's not true! I'll write more often, I promise!"

I don't promise, but seriously guys, Tumblr is like an explosion of awesome. I write a lot more on Tumblr. Also, it's less demanding - you can reblog stuff and gah, it's just really great.

Come join...


A cautionary tale of the last human male - continued...

Then the entire global human population sprang from their hiding places and yelled "SURPRISE!"

Just kidding. Everyone was dead.

Anyway, where did we leave poor, lonely Steve?

Ah yes, he spotted a dot in the distance and was running towards it. It was difficult to make out the figure so far away. It was definitely moving closer to him, as was he to it.
He was getting tired. All those doughnuts had made him put on weight and after a hundred metres, he stopped running, wiped his brow, and put his hands to his knees, panting.
A minute later, he straightened up, and started running to the nearing dot. It was definitely human. Steve could make out the tall slim stature of the stranger in the distance and hoped that this was not a mirage.

“Hey!” shouted Steve, waving his arms. “Hey!”
As he neared the figure, he could just about see that they had long, flowing golden hair.
Oh, thank God it’s a woman, thought Steve.
Then he tripped over a dead guy, fell over and hit his head on a lamp post.

                                                *          *          *

He was woken up by someone shaking his shoulder quite hard. He opened his bleary eyes to find it was the golden-haired woman.
“Hey man, wake up already!” she said, in an oddly low voice.
“It’s alright, I’m awake!”
The evening sun was too bright. Steve closed his eyes again and smiled. He’d found a gorgeous blonde.
He attempted a romantic move. (What the hell, he thought. I’m the only man on the planet. It’s not like she can pick anyone else.) “You have beautiful hair, by the way. I saw it shine in the sun, like a… like a… uh, sun.”

There was a pause.

Steve opened his eyes. He frowned.
He rubbed his eyes.
The woman not only had beautiful blonde hair, but also a beautiful blonde beard.
The blonde gave a gruff laugh. “Dude.”
“Oh my God. You’re… you’re…” Steve swore. “No homo, man. No homo.”
“Yeah, sorry, man. Looks like it’s just the two of us.”
The blonde man broke into the nearest convenience store, grabbed a couple of beers and sat back down next to Steve.
“Here’s to… uh, here’s to the human race. It was fun while it lasted.”
They clinked beer cans, sat back and watched the sun set.


#46 or some number. I can't remember.

Is anyone still reading this thing?
Anyway, I apologise, lone reader, for having left you hanging for so long. The last time we saw Steve was four months ago exactly. I have promised to finish it and finish it I shall.

Someone remind me somehow, or Steve will forever be alone and die on his lonely planet.