18.4.11

SPACED


... is my new favourite old comedy.
Watch it here:

Uh... Sorry. I realise I haven't posted for a while and I've left you on a bit of a cliffhanger with Steve.

Is Steve the last man alive? Find out next time on I dunno. I haven't even decided yet.

7.4.11

A cautionary tale of the last human male


So I'd told Wandi I'd write a short story of a man and a dot ages ago. It's long. It's awful. It's unfinished. But it has pictures. Enjoy.

Steve was the last man on Earth. Everyone else had been wiped out by a highly infectious and fatal disease to which only he was immune. Some might say he was lucky, but then again, he was the last human on Earth and also hence there was no 'some'.
It had happened so quickly - overnight, even. He'd switched the TV on to watch the news. The advert about Babybels came on and that made him happy. "Bop-bop-bop, bop Babybel."

The new virus only affected humans and it was spreading incredibly fast - the news reporter suddenly died while doing his report. One by one, the cameramen dropped dead and shortly afterwards, the TV went blank and the sound of white noise filled the room. Steve had fallen asleep before the news even came on, so he didn't know what had happened.

When he woke up, he choked and found his cat had been sleeping on his face.
He left the house at half past seven to go to work. He looked at his to-do list:
Yes, the cat's name was Cat. Steve had a very limited imagination.
He was half asleep as he reached the tube station and crashed into the barrier. The station had closed as the tube wasn't working.
Steve swore and kicked the gate, stubbing his toe. Having recovered from the pain, he walked to the nearest bus stop. Then he realised it was oddly quiet for a Tuesday morning. He looked around and saw people slumped everywhere.
Puzzled, he scratched his head, like monkeys do in cartoons. Steve was hairy like a monkey.
He paused for a while, having stopped scratching his head. A metaphorical light bulb lit up above his head.
"Oh... I see." He grinned. "OK, guys, I know what's going on," he shouted. "I'm on TV, aren't I? C'mon, prank over."
Silence.
"Guys."
No response.
He walked over to the nearest slumped figure and prodded it. It didn't move. He poked the figure next to it and that one didn't move either.
He shook another and yelled at it and hit it and still it didn't move. He checked for signs of breathing, and realised it was dead.
Steve began to panic. He flapped his arms like a chicken and paced around for a bit.
Although a wholly useless action, humans do tend to do these kinds of things. 
He looked around and saw the whole street was covered in corpses; people had simply died on the spot and lay immobile, frozen.

"Hello? I said, HELLO? IS ANYONE OUT THERE?"

The reader will realise that of course, only those within Steve's vicinity would be able to hear this, and that was also on the condition that they were alive/weren't deaf. He took out his mobile and called his mum. It went straight to voicemail.

"Uh, Mum, hey. I know I never call - sorry - but I wanted to see if you were OK. Right. Bye"

He called his best mate, Martin. It rang for a while, but then went to voicemail.

"MARTIN YOU BASTARD, GIVE ME BACK MY TWENTY POUNDS. Oh wait, are you OK? If so, call me back as soon as you get this. And meet me at the bar round the corner. Preferably with the twenty pounds."

He stood there and rang every number on his phone, but no one picked up.

A front page of the Metro flew about in the wind. Steve chased after it, tripping over dead bodies. He caught it eventually. The headlines read: "DOOMSDAY APPROACHES". Apparently he'd missed Doomsday because he'd fallen asleep, and now it appeared everyone had died.

Steve milled around for a bit and pondered (something he didn't do very often).
His first thought (and later he was ashamed of this) was to raid the Krispy Kreme store, because he'd realised that since everyone was dead, no one could stop him from just helping himself to whatever he wanted.
While eating a doughnut, he had a series of thoughts. He thought about his love for doughnuts. Then he thought about love. Then he thought about the people he loved. Then he realised all of them were probably dead and he was probably the last human on the planet, all alone with no future.

He heaved a heavy sigh.

However, the reader will know that it is very unlikely for there to be just one solitary human immune to a particular disease. Out of a population of 7 billion, the likelihood of at least one other person being immune is highly likely.

Steve ate four more doughnuts, jeered at the dead Krispy Kreme vendor ("HA HA, I got free doughnuts!"), then went home and threw up.


                                                *          *          *
Electricity had stopped. Only batteries could be used. He tried using a radio to find if there was someone else out there, but there was just a perpetual crackling that meant nothing.

This carried on for weeks. He could walk quite casually into any store and help himself to anything he wanted. It was fun. Kind of. He talked to himself, or to the festering dead, to stop himself from going insane. Perhaps he was already going insane. Who knew?

The city was beginning to smell. The millions of corpses littered about were starting to decompose and all Steve (not being of a particularly intelligent nature) could come up with was to stick tissues up his nose to stop from smelling the dead.

He toyed briefly with the idea of killing himself. It was a depressing prospect, this being alone forever. Cat had run off with some other cats and had left him utterly alone. The human population had ditched him and now even his cat had done the same. But he couldn’t bring himself to commit suicide.

However, things changed dramatically one day, while Steve was wandering around the city with a doughnut in his hand. He espied a dot moving about in the distance, and at first, thought it must be a dog or something. A small flicker of hope still existed within him, and he hurriedly neared the dot. What if it were a human? What if it were a beautiful young lady? After all, if it were just he and this young lady, it would be up to them to repopulate the world... He began to run, getting closer and closer to the moving figure.

To be continued...

4.4.11

#43 - A small piece of news

I thought about writing this in a small font, because I'd written 'a small piece of news', and thought that would be humorous, but then I didn't want you to strain your eyes.
Then I realised you could zoom in anyway.
Ach. Whatever.

So round about three weeks ago I remembered I'd told Wandi I'd write a story about a man and a dot. A layogenic dot, to be precise. I thought that would be quite fun to write, so I started writing it. I got exactly 800 words in, and then left it. I forgot about it again until Andy wrote about the zombie apocalypse (check it out here!) and so my story about the last man on Earth will be coming up at some point in the not-too-distant future.

The last man on Earth is called Steve, and is absolutely ordinary. And he likes Krispy Kremes. And has a cat called Cat.

OK, that's all I'm going to say.

30.3.11

#42 - 42


Ooh, looky guys, it's going to have to be a special post, simply because it's the 42nd post...
Wait no. According to the numbers I've assigned to my posts it's the 42nd, but the total number of posts (including music posts and '*something* of the day' posts) is 55. Or 56, counting this one. Whatever.

This shall be another of Ali's life lessons. Her little old wizened mind stirs and gives you a precious lesson that can only be taught by a wise and knowledgeable person. I'm aware that I come off as a pretentious stuck-up adolescent who thinks she's all clever and that. That would be correct. The rest of this post is going to be all pretentious like. Sorry.

As you (should) know, 42 is the meaning of life (according to Douglas Adams, who wrote The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy). 42 is also my house number (stalkers, take note). 42 is the number of one of my many textbooks. OK, that's all there is to the number 42 that's related to me personally.

Perhaps, because of this special number, I should talk about the meaning of life. Not the meaning as in definition. You have the dictionary to find the meaning of life.

I'm talking about the meaning as in purpose of life. I know it. I have the answer, and I'm willing to share it with you. For a price.

The meaning of life is to find happiness. Think of the human existence. Essentially, we're born, we go to school to get qualifications in order to find a good job (that pays well or is satisfying, or both). We get jobs in order to earn money so we can live comfortably and afford luxuries, which in turn, make us happy (whoever said money can't buy happiness was a misguided idiot). All our lives we try to find that one person to love in order to feel happy and complete. It's all about being happy.

Unless of course, you're an emo. But then you feel happy in being sad, which is rather twisted, to be honest.

26.3.11

Revelation of the Day No.2

I finally got it.
Eighteen years of life, and I've finally understood the joke about the chicken.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

THE OTHER SIDE.

Good Lord, I never knew how profound that joke was. My mind has been blown.

I bet that chicken must've been depressed.

25.3.11

#41 - The picky homeless man.

So today I had a humungous meal with a few friends. We nearly died eating it all.

Eventually, we gave up and asked for a doggybag to give to a homeless man. To be honest, the unfinished dish looked a bit meh by the end. We'd picked out all the meat and there was nothing left but haw fun.

"Where do we find a homeless man?" I ask.

Janet replies: "Oh there's one in Leicester Square station!" as if she notes down the whereabouts of each.

When we got there, he'd left, probably to bum around some place else. There was one outside the theatre. He sat there in a sleeping bag, with his hood up. What puzzled me was that he was reading a book.

We were a bit wary of him. He had shifty eyes.

Wandi and I walked up to him and I asked if he was hungry.

"Oh, I don't accept food that isn't wrapped," he said, almost turning his nose up.

"...Oh. Right. OK. Well then."

Janet ended up taking it home. Whether she eats it or not is a different question, but even a homeless man didn't want the food.

19.3.11

#40 - Flashin' my ID

I used ID for the first time ever, and this time no one could stop me for any reason because it wasn't fake.
The first and last time I went somewhere where only 18+ year-olds could enter was on New Year's Eve, but that's a different story.

Yesterday Clara and I went to 'The Purple Turtle' in Camden because we'd never been to a random gig, but it was kinda sheet. Serves us right for picking the cheapest place. Oh well.
It was just a load of mediocre rock that I can't remember. This guy came up and tried talking to us, but I, being the most awkward person on the planet, sent him away:
Guy: *Approaches, all smooth like and smiling* So... do you know who's playing here?
Me: (Oblivious) ... Uh, no, but the bartender probably knows. *Points to bar on the other side of the room*
*Pause. Guy hesitates.*
Guy: ...Oh, OK. *Leaves*
Clara: You know, that guy was trying to talk to us.
Me: Oh.
The crowd was tiny but the bands still gave it their all, which was good.
Because we couldn't/didn't want to dance, we did some people-watching instead. There was an awesome guy with a moustache on his face and a picture of a moustache on his t-shirt. There was a cute couple, in which there was a tiny girl and a giant of a man. She was literally as high as his waist. Both of us were thinking that it must be easy for her to give blow-jobs.
We left at about midnight, which is kind of early. Before we left, the guy working at the cloakroom said, "Yeah, I wouldn't blame you. I wouldn't stay if I was paid." But he was paid, and that's what makes the difference.
Thinking of going to a jazz club next time. It sounds more chillaxed. (Gosh, I hate it when people use that word but I use it all the same.) And yes, yes, I like jazz.

We went back and practiced guitar/ukulele on the terrace until our fingers became numb from the cold. We've decided to go busking for Japan. Any suggestions for songs for the playlist would be most welcome!